Sexuality and church

Full story

I came out as transgender and my entire family and church community reacted badly on the grounds of religion, prompting me to distance myself from the church and go into an existential crisis.

I thought my existence was rooted in and inseparable from sin, and therefore whatever could be salvaged / redeemed of me wasn’t actually part of ‘me’, and that the actual me was completely irredeemable.

I asked a parental figure if I was likely to go to hell. He said, “I think it’s a good sign that your worried about going to hell.”

I was 13 at the time. Had panic attacks for the next 4-5 years. Still can’t walk into a church without sweats, shaking, heart rate going up. When I hear preaching I feel like I’m going to burn and suffer forever and that’s justice. I love feelings because they remind me I’m human but that terror makes me want to never feel anything again.

Can’t imagine what I did to deserve to fear like that, especially at so young an age. Can’t imagine what anyone could do.